Play ball!
Ball four!
Take your base!
That's it, Moose! You're getting close now! Bring it, son!
Moose couldn't find the plate if you nailed it to his ass.
Shut your pie hole, Piney. Kid's got to learn.
Come straight over the top, Moose. Straight over the top. Come on!
Ah, damn. Exley's up.
Back up! Exley's up! Back up!
You sure your boy got the right prescription in those spectacles?
Ah, don't worry, Ex. See, I told him to throw it right at your big, nappy, home-run-hitting head.
So you can bet a hundred clams that ball's going anywhere but there.
Foul! Foul ball! Foul! Foul ball!
Ball!
- Moose! Straight over the top. - Over the top. Yes.
Hey, Ex. I heard the Yankees have been calling you.
I'm fine playing here in the Cactus leagues. It's nice and quiet.
Ball!
Leave the cactus alone, son!
Gee, I don't know, Ex. The Yanks could use those 60 home runs a year.
Well, now that, uh, Jackie Robinson's up there in the Bigs...
...people are saying you're going to be next.
The first black Negro man of color in the American League.
Shoot, Ex, you'll be famous, man.
I don't want to be no famous man. Just want to be a man.
Over the top! Over the top! Over the top, man!
Fair ball! Home run! Home run!
Sixty-one.
What do you boys want? We're just playing a baseball game, here.
We got no beef with you, sir. It's that black Babe Ruth hiding behind you.
Josh Exley. That's all we come for.
Well, you can't have him.
We heard the Yankees want to let a Nigger play ball...
...so we just figure we're going to play with him a little bit some first.
Now, all you Niggers and Nigger-lovers!
You can go home!
It's Ex we want.
That's what I'm talking about, Moose, straight over the top.
Come on, straight over the top with it.
Come on, get the guns. Get the guns.
You boys ain't so tough without your shotguns, are you, fellows?
You ain't nothing but a coward.
Hiding behind your mama's bedsheet. Let's see your face.
Holy mother of...
In The Big Inning
It's a gorgeous day for baseball here in the City of The Angels...
...and I'm told it's a gorgeous day all over our republic today...
...from Bangor to Bellflower, from Amarillo to Anchorage...
...the sun is shining and it's a perfect day to play baseball...
Eddie Perez will start it off.... That ball is ripped...
Mulder, it is such a gorgeous day outside.
Have you ever entertained the idea of trying to find life on this planet?
I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere.
Did you bring enough ice cream to share with the rest of the class?
It's not ice cream.
It's a nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle.
Bet the air in my mouth tastes better than that.
- You sure know how to live it up, Scully. - Oh, you're Mr. Live-it-up.
Mulder, you're really Mr. Squeeze-every-last-drop out-of-this-sweet-life, aren't you?
On this precious Saturday you've got us grabbing life by the testes...
...stealing reference books from the FBI library in order to go through...
...New Mexico newspaper obituaries for the years 1940 to 1949 and for what joyful purpose?
Looking for anomalies, Scully. Do you know how many so-called "flying disc" reports...
...there were in New Mexico in the 1940s?
I don't care. Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack.
These poor souls have been dead for 50 years.
Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie.
No, I won't sit idly by as you hurl cliches at me. Preparation is the father of inspiration.
- Necessity is the mother of invention. - The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicles.
Mulder!
Mulder!?
You cheat.
I can't believe that you've been reading about baseball this whole time.
I'm reading the box scores, Scully.
You'd like it. It's like the Pythagorean Theorem for jocks.
It distills all the chaos and action of any game in the history of all...
...baseball games into one tiny, perfect, rectangular sequence of numbers.
I can look at this box and I can recreate exactly what happened on some...
...sunny summer day back in 1947.
It's like the numbers talk to me, they comfort me.
They tell me that even though lots of things can change some things do remain the same. It's...
Boring.
Mulder, can I ask you a personal question?
Of course not.
Did your mother ever tell you to go outside and play?
- Is that... Arthur Dales? - Mulder?
You just defaced property of the U.S. Government.
You rebel.
What in hell took you so long?
I'm-I'm sorry, sir, I'm-I'm looking for Arthur Dales.
I'm Arthur Dales.
- No, you're not. - Don't be a wiseass, son.
No, I-I'm sorry, sir, I know Arthur Dales and you're not Arthur Dales.
Arthur Dales is my brother. My name also happens to be Arthur Dales.
It's the same name, different guy.
The other Arthur, he moved to Florida the lucky bastard.
Now, our parents weren't exactly big in the imagination department when it came to names.
If it would help you wrapping your little head around this stupefying mystery, ...
...Agent Mulder, we had a sister named Arthur, too and a goldfish.
- How do you know my name? - My brother told me all about you.
He said you were the biggest jackass in the Bureau since he retired.
Yeah, we're big fans. Sometimes we'd stay awake for hours at night just talking about you.
Just fascinating. Now, unless you're hiding some Chinese food let's call it a day.
Mr. Dales, I have a, uh...
I have a photo here of your brother. Maybe it's you.
It's from many years ago and you're, you're standing in Roswell, New Mexico.
Roswell. That's me. I was a cop once in Roswell.
Okay, and you're standing with Negro League legend Josh Exley who disappeared...
...without a trace during a season in which he reportedly hit 60 home runs.
- Sixty-one. - Sixty-one home runs in 1948.
Forty-seven.
'47, whatever. I don't really care about the baseball, so much, sir.
What I care about is this man in the picture with you. I believe to be an alien bounty hunter.
Of course you don't care about the baseball, Mr. Mulder.
You only bothered my brother about the important things like government conspiracies...
...and alien bounty hunters and the truth with a capital "T."
- Wait a minute. I like baseball. - You like baseball, huh? - Yeah.
How many home runs did Mickey Mantle hit?
A hundred and sixty-three.
Righty. 373 lefty. 536 total.
What you fail to understand in your joyless myopia...
...is that baseball is the key to life, the Rosetta Stone, if you will.
If you just understood baseball better all your other questions your, your...
...the, uh... the aliens, the conspiracies they would all, in their way be answered...
- ...by the baseball gods. - Yes, sir, that may be true.
I'm thinking that your experience in Roswell could be germane to a conspiracy...
...between men in our government and these shape-shifting alien beings.
Oh, don't bore me, son.
My brother Arthur started the X-Files with the Federal Bureau of Obfuscation...
...before you were born.
He was working for the FBI and hunting for aliens when you were watching My Best Friend's Martians.
You say "shape-shifting."
Agent Mulder, do you believe that love can make a man shape-shift?
I guess... women change men all the time.
I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about love. Passion.
Like the passion you have for proving extra-terrestrial life.
Do you believe that that passion can change your very nature?
Can make you shape-shift from a man into something other than a man?
What exactly has your brother told you about me?
Mr. Dales, if you and your brother have really known about this bounty hunter...
...and plans for colonization for the last 50 years why the hell wouldn't you have told anybody?
- Nobody'd believe me. - I would have believed you.
You weren't... ripe.
Not ripe?
Let me tell you something: I have been ripe for years. I am way past ripe.
I'm so ripe I'm rotten. This cuts to the very heart of the mystery...
...of what I've been doing with my life for the past ten years.
Oh, the heart of the mystery, the heart of the mystery.
Ah, there you are.
Mr. Mulder... maybe you'd better start paying a little less attention...
...to the heart of the mystery and a little more attention to the mystery of the heart.
- You got a dime? - What is this?
This little fellow goes by the name of Pete Rosebud.
If you keep pumping coffee money into him he'll tell you a story about baseball...
- ...and aliens and bounty hunters. - You're making me feel like a child.
Perfect. That's exactly the right place to start from, then, isn't it?
Now, the first thing you got to know about baseball is...
...it keeps you forever young.
"Keep Baseball Pure - Keep Baseball White $500 Reward For Killing Josh Exley."
Mr. Exley?
Mr. Exley, my name's Arthur Dales. I'm an employee of the Roswell police department.
- Have I broken a law, sir? - You stole... second base in the third inning.
I'm a witness. Officer, I seen Ex steal... at least 50 bases this year.
No, sir, you haven't broken any laws. Not that I'm aware of.
Um, I've been assigned by my superiors to protect you against certain parties.
I'm the one need protection from certain parties. Ex here, he in bed by 8:00 every night.
I appreciate your concern, sir but I can protect myself.
Mr. Exley, I'm not a big sports hero like yourself, sir...
...and I really don't have an opinion on Negroes or Jews or Communists or...
...even Canadians and vegetarians, for that matter but I cannot stomach the murder of a man...
...of any persuasion or any color being flaunted and solicited in my town.
Not on my watch. So you can be safe with me in a cell down at the precinct...
...or you can be safe with me here on the bus.
Seeing as how this is still America you're free to choose, sir.
Vous etes sans coeur.
Vous etes sans coeur, Mademoiselle.
Vous etes sans coeur... Coeur...
Hey, Officer Dales, you're a decent man, ain't you?
I try to be.
Well, the fellas feel like the umps would treat us better if you got us...
- ...eight more uniforms like these to play in. - Yeah, you could change your name from...
...the Roswell grays to the Roswell Black and Blues.
What's the matter, Arthur?
You look like you ain't never seen a black man before.
I've got to give it to you, Arthur. Calling a Negro league team from Roswell the Grays is pretty clever.
E.T. steal home. E.T. steal home.
I didn't make that up.
You seriously want me to believe that Josh Exley maybe one of the greatest...
- ...ballplayers of all times, was an alien? - They're all aliens, Agent Mulder, all the great ones.
- Babe Ruth was an alien? - Yeah.
- Joe DiMaggio? - Sure.
- Willie Mays? - Well, obviously.
- Mantle? Koufax? Gibson? - Bob or Kirk?
See, none of the great ones fit in, not in this world, not in any other world.
They're all aliens, Mulder, until they step between the white chalk lines, ...
...until they step on the outfield grass. Like clockwork. Poorboy with my medicine.
Give the kid a tip, will ya?
So I assume you're speaking metaphorically?
Speaking metaphorically is for young men like you, Agent MacGyver.
I don't have time for that. I only have time to speak the truth.
You're a regular Rockefeller, ain't you?
If Ex hits a couple of dingers, that'll be 60. That ties The Babe.
Aw, that ball's worth nothing. Ex ain't a major leaguer, so the record don't count.
- Does, too. - Does not.
- It does, too. - It does not.
- Does, too. - Does not.
- Does... - Not.
Perfect day for a ball game.
There, uh... there was a bee on you.
- Must have been a real big one. - Could have ripped your head off.
Hey, Arthur...
Thanks.
Officer Arthur Dales making the world safe for baseball and Negroes.
Play ball.
Time! Time!
Do you know your name, son? Josh, do you know where you are?
Josh, man, wake up.
Do you know where you're from?
Macon...
Macon, Georgia?
Macon police department. Can I help you?
Yeah, my name's Arthur Dales. I'm with the Roswell Police Department.
I'm doing a background check on a gentlemen I believe is from your area. His name is Josh Exley.
You want information on a Josh Exley?
Yeah, the name rings a bell.
Yeah, I got a Josh Exley.
A six-year-old colored boy disappeared oh, maybe five years ago.
Now do you got a read on this Josh Exley's whereabouts?
Six years old?
- You wanted to see me about running some chemical tests, Arthur? - Yeah. Hold on.
That would make him 11 now? No, that can't be the one.
I love my job.
And is that all you have? Are you certain?
Certain as the sunrise. I'm sorry, son.
Did you say where you were calling from?
- Roswell... Roswell, New Mexico. - Roswell.
- Morning, Poorboy. - Morning, Ex. How's the melon?
- My melon's fine. That boy throws like a lady. - I hear the Yankee scouts are here today.
- Going to hit numero six-oh? - Ain't no scouts here today.
Sure there are. Look.
Right over there.
I'll be damned.
Hey, kids.
So how's it going?
- Ex is stinking up the diamond. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - Well, anybody can have a bad day.
Yeah, but the Yankee scouts are in attendance today.
I don't think they'll relish the idea of him being in the majors after such a piss-poor outing as this.
Came on, Exley!
Strike two!
Two balls, two strikes now.
Ex...
- Why did you tank that game today? - I won that game today.
You tanked the game today.
You want me to tell you why?
Because your name's not Josh Exley.
Josh Exley is a six-year-old kid who disappeared from Macon, Georgia...
...about the same time that you showed up in Roswell.
- I ain't never been to Macon. - When you got beaned, you said you were from Macon.
Well, I also spoke tongues like I did when I was a little boy in church.
I was joking, Arthur. Relax.
I'm relaxed.
You're hiding something. That's why you don't dare get into the major leagues...
...'cause the sports writers and everybody would be digging around and...
...they'd find out what it is, right?
So you tanked the game in front of those scouts today.
Disappointing those kids, ...
...disappointing your teammates, disappointing your race...
Look here, don't go talking about my race. You don't know nothing about my race.
I know that liars come in all colors.
You got a secret, and famous or not I'm going to find out what it is.
While you're out chasing secrets you make sure you're chasing the right ones.
Ex?
Thank you.
This is ridiculous. You're supposed to be a big, bad policeman.
Now, hold up, Arthur. Now, before you go fainting again, listen to me.
It's me, Arthur. It's Ex.
This is an interesting dream.
Wake up. Come on, Artie.
Man, you ain't dreaming.
This is what I really look like. This is the real me.
Ex?
It's really you under there, Ex?
I'm not "under" anything, Arthur, ...
...and I'm trying not to be insulted by your reaction to my true face.
Look, would it be easier if I looked like this?
Would this be easier for you to handle?
No. Somehow, that's even weirder.
Bus leaves in five...
So why did you, uh, leave your family in, uh... in Georgia?
My people guard their privacy zealously.
I can understand that.
They don't like for us to intermingle with your people.
Their philosophy is we stick to ourselves; you stick to yourselves, everybody's happy.
So what happened?
Well, you know what happened.
You fell in love with an earth woman.
No.
I saw a baseball game.
See, there's something you got to understand about my race.
We don't have a word for laughter. We don't laugh.
I don't know if you noticed in between all that fainting you was doing but...
...we have very tiny mouths, so no smiling even.
But I tell you, when I saw that baseball game being played...
...this laughter just... it just rose up out of me.
- You know, the sound the ball makes when it hits the bat? - Yeah.
It was like music to me. You know, the smell of the grass, 11 men.
First unnecessary thing I ever done in my life and I fell in love.
I didn't know the unnecessary could feel so good.
You know, the game was meaningless but it seemed to mean everything to me.
It was useless, but perfect.
Yeah, like, uh... like a rose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a rose. See? You get it, Arthur. You're a fan.
But I tell you, from that moment on I just couldn't fix myself to go home.
Come on up here, Ex? Let's hear that beautiful voice you got on you.
We'll all be together in that land... We'll all be together in that land...
Where I'm bound oh, Lord... We'll all be together in that land...
Gray Bus Lines You CAN Go Home Again...
Let me get this straight: a free-spirited alien fell in love with baseball...
...and ran away from the other non-fun-having aliens and made himself black, ...
...because that would prevent him from getting to the majors where his unspeakable secret...
...might be discovered by an intrusive press and public and you're also implying that--
You certainly have a knack for turning chicken salad into chicken spit.
You're also implying that this baseball-playing alien has something to do...
...with the famous Roswell UFO crash of July '47, aren't you?
You're just dying to connect the dots aren't you, son?
Look, I give you some wood and I ask you for a cabinet. You build me a cathedral.
I don't want a cathedral. I like where I live. I just want a place to put my TV.
Understand my drift?
Drift it is, sir.
Trust the tale, Agent MacGyver, not the teller.
That which fascinates us is by definition true.
Speaking metaphorically, of course.
Okay, so was Ex a man who was metaphorically an alien or an alien who was...
...metaphorically a man or a something in between that was literally an alien-human hybrid?
It's official. I am a horse's ass.
What is it to be a human, Fox? Is it to have the chemistry of a man?
In the universal scheme of things a dog's chemistry is nearly identical to that of a man.
But is a dog like a man?
Well, I have noticed over the course of time, a man and his dog will often start to look like one another.
To be a man is to have the heart of a man. Integrity, decency, sympathy:
These are the things that make a man a man and Ex had them all, had them all, more than you or I.
- Dales. - Arthur, what the heck?
Ted? Calm down. What is it?
This goo on the glove you gave me, is this a joke?
Why?
It's not like any chemical compound I've ever seen.
It's from a life-form which doesn't seem to be carbon-based which, by the way, is impossible.
This is way out of my league.
I called to the FBI and the communicable disease center in Washington...
Washington? Oh, no, Ted, you didn't? Nobody was supposed to know about this.
Can you... can you get the glove back to me?
Sure, soon as I finish up here.
I didn't mean to startle you. I'm Josh.
Oh, I know who you are. Only the best damn ball player west of the Bronx.
Oh, thank you, sir. Arthur sent me down here to explain this substance.
- That's my mitt it ruined. - Where is this stuff from? Where did you get it?
Mars.
Actually, just to the left of Mars.
What do you think you're doing?!
Ex?
Ex, there's this fella down at the precinct...
...who's willing to swear on his life that you killed a man this afternoon.
Now, I'm not sure what's... what's going on here but I...
...I do know that you're no murderer. You're going to have to get out of town, Ex.
- Life ain't like baseball, is it? - No. No, it's not.
I had a talk with my relative. A good talk.
He made me understand reason, Arthur. Family's more important than any game.
So... I got to go home.
You still consider them to be your family?
Of course I do. Who you think my family is?
I don't know. Your team?
Don't get cornball on me, man. Next thing you're gonna be telling me...
...is I owe it to all the little kids to break the home-run record, or I owe it to the black folks who think I'm one of them, ...
...to make it to the majors or I should just keep playing...
...out of some meaningless human concept of pride or loyalty.
I don't know, Ex.
We don't think like that, man.
We may be able to look likey'all, but we ain't y'all.
- You know the big thing that separates us from you? - What's that?
We got rhythm.
- Hey... I better go. - Yeah.
Hey... you do me a favor?
Will you tell people what I did on the field?
Will you tell your kids how I played the game?
You know I will, Ex.
Hey, man, uh... one more thing.
What?
You got a pretty good arm on you, boy.
You may think you know the man, Dales, but believe me, you do not know the man.
You don't know what I know and you don't know what I don't know.
This is no minor-league, Mexico cowboy cop crap.
If I told you what was really going on you'd just stare at me in wild-eyed wonder and...
...pee your pants like a baby. Now, tell me what I want to know. Where's Exley?
I told you, he told me he was going home.
Play ball!
You sure your boy got the right prescription in those spectacles?
Home run!
I got a witness puts him at the murder scene.
Now, I know they have a tendency to look alike but unless he's got a guy running around town...
...looks identical to him he is a murderer, you could be an accomplice and...
...the two of you fast sliding down a giant razor blade into a big old glass of lemonade.
But, you hand him over...
You can wear your big hat and that pretty badge as long as you want.
Are we finished?
No, Mr. Dales...
You're finished.
God!
Come on.
It's over.
I know.
I warned you. You didn't listen.
Now you die.
It's the right thing to do.
What do you know of the right thing to do?
You, who would risk exposing the entire project for a game?
A game!
I hit a home run tonight.
A home run?
Number 61.
I set a record.
Show me your true face so you can die with dignity.
As your executioner I show you my true face before I kill you.
Show me your true face or you will die without honor.
This is my true face.
So be it.
No!
Stop!
Ex?!
No... Let me be! Let me be!
Don't. Get off me. Our blood is like acid to you people.
Arthur, get away. Don't touch it.
It's just blood, Ex. Look.
It's just blood.
Come and go with me to that land...
Where I'm bound...
I got a brother in that land...
Where I'm bound...
I got a brother in that land...
Where I'm bound...
So, uh...
I get this message marked "urgent"...
...on my answering service from one Fox Mantle telling me to come down to the park...
...for a very special very early or very late birthday present.
And, Mulder...
I don't see any nicely wrapped presents lying around so, what gives?
- You've never hit a baseball, have you, Scully? - No, I guess I have, uh...
...found more necessary things to do with my time than...
...slap a piece of horsehide with a stick.
Get over here, Scully.
This my birthday present, Mulder?
- You shouldn't have. - This ain't cheap.
I'm paying that kid ten bucks an hour to shag balls.
Hey, it's not a bad piece of ash, huh?
The bat... talking about the bat. Now, don't strangle it. You just want to shake hands with it.
"Hello, Mr. Bat. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Oh, no, no, Ms. Scully. The pleasure's all mine."
Okay, now, we want to... we want to go hips before hands, okay?
We want to stride forward and turn. That's all we're thinking about. So, we go hips...
- ...before hands, all right? - Okay.
One more time.
- Hips... before hands, all right? - Yeah.
- What is it? - Hips before hands.
Right. We're going to wait on the pitch. We're going to keep our eye on the ball.
Then, we're just going to make contact. We're not going to think.
We're just going to let it fly, Scully, okay?
- Ready? - I'm in the middle.
All right, fire away, Poorboy.
That's good.
All right, what you may find is you concentrate on hitting that little ball...
The rest of the world just fades away, all your everyday, nagging concerns.
The ticking of your biological clock.
How you probably couldn't afford that nice, new suede coat on a G-Woman's salary.
How you threw away a promising career in medicine...
...to hunt aliens with a crackpot, albeit brilliant, partner.
Getting into the heart of a global conspiracy.
Your obscenely overdue triple-X bill.
Oh, I... I'm sorry, Scully. Those last two problems are mine, not yours.
Shut up, Mulder. I'm playing baseball.